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Thursday, 28 February 2013

Coming up soon Sheela-Munee Bank

An urgent meeting of all key kitti members was requisitioned by chairperson Ms. Bhat in view of the announcement of setting up of ladies bank as per budget 2013-14. Several questions were to be resolved before this ladies bank was launched in terms of declaration in the budget today.
Ms. Mehra immediately called for the caterer & hurriedly settled the menu – samosa, sandwitch, assorted pakora including paneer pakora, rasmalai, canned juice & of course tea / coffee in the end. Then she called for bouquet, pads & pencils & instructed the peon for such & such. Suddenly she got very busy indeed. Meeting was stormy but cordial.
Minutes of the meeting are as under:
1. Chairperson addressed the gathering & apprised everybody of the news. Most of them were surprised as they did not have time for watching such a boring thing as budget on tv. But now they were excited. They were requested to consider & recommend a suitable name for this upcoming bank.
-Let’s call it Dhanno Bank. -Why not Saas-Bahu Bank?
Well there was shouting, giggles & amidst the din several names were heard: Bank of Chhamiyas’, Rani Bank, Bank of Girl Friends, Bank of Kanyakumari, Roopwati Bank, Lipsticky Bank etc. After a noisy session the name Sheela-Munni Bank was voted as favourite of all. This was done after abbreviating Sheela ki jawani & Munni badnam hui hit songs. There was live presentation also by members present of both the songs.
2. Then it was unanimously decided to designate savings a/c of senior citizens as Saas Accounts bearing 1% more interest. This item took much less time than was anticipated.
3. It was also unanimously decided that nomination in Saas Account would never be that of a Bahu but vice versa shall be accepted.
4. As proposed by a kitti member & accepted by majority, every branch must have a crèche & a beauty parlour attached.
5. No male guards were to be engaged but fit young ladies well versed in judo, karate, taekwondo, kushti & boxing were to be deployed at the branches.
6. Unanimously decided that GOI, MOF & RBI be requested to consider printing currency notes depicting female(s) from ancient history, saints, celebrities’ etc. Distribution of this may be through proposed Sheela-Munni Bank only.

7. Recruiting agencies must have 51% females having adequate experience of being mother-in-law.
8. All loans & advances must be made to female entrepreneurs, lady workers, lady shop keepers etc. However, males running their businesses for ladies like, ladies tailors, fashion designers, sandal-chappal vendors, chefs & cooks shall also be entertained for financing on merits.
9. In due course Sheela-Munni Bank may finance ladies buses, ladies metros & ladies space shuttles in near future.
10. Meeting ended with vote of thanks to the Chairperson.                                                                                                

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

My Personal Satellite

Zac Manchester a US student of Cornell University is developing 30cm long satellite which will contain nearly 200 smaller satellites about the size of a postage stamp. These can be used by & as individual personal satellites.

Now this could lead to a barrage of new uses & innovative instruments. Also banking might be affected in a big way. It’s a serious issue & hence I proceeded to discuss with my Zonal Manager or ZM nicknamed The Baldy. The nickname The Baldy is self explanatory & need not be referred to google search.

Though our Zonal Office is well equipped with latest gadgets & computers but The Baldy sparsely uses these. Once in a while he likes to see old Hindi films starring Mumtaz on his desktop.

While presenting him a cutting of this news I said:

-Sir this new personal satellite may be very useful item for you. Communication shall be clear & 24*7 with live news & photos etc. This satellite will continue to work uninterrupted if ever you decide to go to Moon or Mars & settle there after retirement sir. So many possibilities & opportunities are there for after retirement business sir.

-Hmm.

-Should I book one for you sir? Only $ 399/- sir & it is well within your vested expenditure power.

-Hmm.

-I suggest sir officer union elected Netas may also be provided with personal satellites so that communications are easier & management relations remain cordial. It will keep them in good humour & they will be raising lesser demands for other officers. They have a long wish-list of transfers & promotions of their Chamchas, revocation of certain suspensions as well as of getting certain other officers suspended. You are well aware of this sir.  So you shall have an upper hand in meetings with them sir. Of course they shall be eligible for smaller one of lesser capacity costing $ 299/-. And some concession will be available if we go for bulk booking. 
 
-Hmm.

Then he wrote OK on the file & threw it back to me. The Baldy lowered his spec’s, cleared his throat & ordered:

-Hmm. Don’t you inform my wife.
                                                                                                             



Friday, 8 February 2013

Transfer ka Pangaa

Geology researchers from MIT have found that collision between India and Asia, took place 40 million years ago instead of the previous estimate of 50 million years. "India came running full speed at Asia and boom, they collided," MIT geology Professor Jagoutz said.

I am wondering at the thought of India floating comfortably in the Indian Ocean, without having borders with Pakistan & China & yet deciding to run at full speed to collide with Asia. I am not sure whether it was the decision of NDA or UPA at that time i.e. 40 million years ago, as basically I am a banker & try to keep away from politics.

But there must have been public sector banks at that time what do you say? I was a fresher in Zonal Office & thought this news must be brought to the notice of top brass. I took out a cutting of the news item, placed in a folder & proceeded to discuss the matter with our wise & worthy Zonal Manager The Baldy. My dear friends advised me against this. But I was sure it’s a breaking news item.

Anyways, now allow me to introduce our Zonal Manager or ZM The Baldy to you as perhaps you are not familiar with him. He was fond of saying ‘I shall post you to such a place that a a glass of water .....!’

He is know-all, clever, foxy, snake-ish, jackal-ish, old head. Fond of white shirts & silk ties, has a few hairs outstanding on his bald head. Hence he has been lovingly nicknamed The Baldy. He has a knack of rejecting your notes, ideas & suggestions, turning them into his own, rephrasing them & then representing to public as his great original ideas. That’s a great trick if you can master it. The Baldy has mastered it well & that’s why he is ZM & you are not.

The folder was before him & he was peering into it with thick lenses. I was standing near his table saying that cutting of interesting news has been placed before His Highness.

‘Yes I know.
‘Sir Researchers say India collided....
‘Yes I know.
‘Sir it was 40 million years & not 50....
‘Yes I know.
‘Sir public sector banks....
‘Yes I know.

After a long pause lasting for 40 million years, he cleared his throat.

‘I am passing orders for your posting as Chief Manager of a branch to be opened as & when the govt decides to detach India from Asia & go back to original position.’ This was followed by sarcastic & caustic ha ha ha.

My dear friends you had rightly said - Panga naa le yaar!



Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Sweet like Gurr or jaggery!

Mr Cheenta sniffed gur sitting on a perch,
He smiled & hastened to search,
He was ready to bite & enjoy his research.


 
From the corner of his eyes,
He noticed Ms Chintee hurrying towards the source,
He applied brakes & changed course,
Mr Cheenta & Ms Chintee xchanged notes.



Me obsrvd : Gur nalo ishaq mitha!




 





Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Water found on Mars Aroraji

The NASA rover Curiosity has beamed back pictures of bedrock that suggest a fast-moving stream, possibly waist-deep, once flowed on Mars - a find that the mission's chief scientist called exciting.
It excited x-Chief Manager of a public sector like me as well. I immediatly rang dear Arora another x-Chief Manager of another public sector bank.

-They found water on Mars, may be a river.

-So? 

-So we need not carry bisleri or soda. 2-3 Officers Choice will do. Or Scotch if u insist. Xciting dear Arora!

-Common Chief Saab it is 7 am & u r out. Wot bottles? Wot Mars? Wots d matter?

-See my dear Arora, adventure is Garam Masala of life. So i m planning a trip of my life.

-Where is ur wife?

-All alone all alone. Only Bottle friends allowed dear Arora on this trip. I have checked with NASA.

-So?

-All they want is Id proof, copy of DL, copy of Voters Card, copy of Adhar card, copy of Passport, copy of ITR, copy of Electricity bill, copy of telephone bill, copy of house tax paid receipt , introducer & NOC from Zonal Manager.

-Wot?


Water of India

-I contacted ZM -The Baldy also. The Baldy said how can a x-Chief go first to Mars. Actually he is going there for survey for opening of a branch before closing.

-Wot?

-So get ready.


Cashier & His Son

Jugal Kishore or JK, was working as Cashier in my branch about a decade back. He was 59 & was nearing retirement. He didn’t look his age though & was very agile & of cheerful temperament. He mingled well with staff & clients as well. He had been Peon, Cashier & presently Head Cashier in the branch. He was bit of semi literate & apart from writing his name never bothered to go further. He wrote names & account numbers of customers in his long book while dispensing cash but you could decipher numbers only as names could hardly be read.

He hailed from one of the gullies & kuchhas of Chawri Bazar, Delhi. Without him leading the way it was well neigh impossible to reach his house. As you reach Chawri, you are in a mess of human beings, rickshaws, tongas, stray dogs, occasional cows or bulls, vendors, shoppers & shop keepers. Cacophony of sounds of horns, bells of rickshaws, phut-phut of autos & calls of vendors rant the air. From there he often deftly led us thru various gullies to his house or to various famous shops of such delicacies as tikki, paratha, gajar halwa, biryani etc.

He was handsome, fair complexioned with well oiled thick whiteish hair parted in the middle. He would often punctuate his old Delhi coloquial Hindi with sher-o-shairee to the amusement of all. Paan & gutka were his permanent accompaniments.  

He wanted his son to get employment in the bank before he retired as his son  was  ‘good for nothing’. His son didn’t study beyond 10th class that too with less than 40% marks. Somehow,  he managed to get his son in bank as Cashier in a nearby branch.

Whenever i requested, JK would stay after office hours for extra work without grudge & therefore remained favourite of me & of other Branch Managers. His colleagues often talked about his habit of selling fresh currency notes in Chawri on a premium. Or him exchanging soiled notes of shop keepers of that area for a discount. But who is really bothered about such issues?

On Saturdays which were half-working days, he used to be better dressed, perfumed & extra cheerful. Let me share in confidence the reason of it – his evenings of Saturdays were reserved for Mujra in red light area on GB Road!

On a fateful Saturday evening JK proceeded to enjoy the Mujra as usual. It is said that Mujra floor has an entry on one side & exit are on the other so as to keep the law on right side. Exit led to maze of gullies fit for disappearing act. JK was planning to quit through this exit & stood up. From corner of his eyes he saw to his horror, his son entering! His heart missed a beat, his legs melted under him & for a few moments he could not move.

Then he rushed outside. He felt shocked & ashamed. Self-pity, remorse & anger banged his head. He kept walking dazed & confused. After a while he found himself on a bench on Delhi railway station.

In the lap of the nature
For about a month or so there was no news of him. Later he called on office phone & narrated his story to me after extracting a promose of secrecy. He had abandoned his family & left Delhi for good. Friends & family members tried to persuade him to rejoin the family but he did not agree & he never came back. Once in a while he called me & updated about his Pashchatap - penance activities in Hardwar. His wife used to go there occasionally to meet him in Ashram. For over a year now i haven’t heard from him.                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                            

You are a Senior Citizen now!

Overnight as you cross 60th and enter into 61st year, you become a Senior Citizen, a Pensioner & an old man. What a transformation! 

On last day of 60th enjoyed the farewell office party. Had sweets, got photographed & listened to speeches extolling my virtues even from adversaries. Like my Zonal Manager The Baldy. We were as close as New Delhi is to Kanya Kumari & yet the fellow went on speaking about the great work done at the branch, positive thinking & great customer relations etc. Whereas Yours Truly felt like kicking his teeth out! The Baldy forgot to mention that we pulled each others’ hair more often than not.


Friends & foes alike mentioned about me as a great man, a great friend, a great philosopher, a great guide, a great worker, great officer, great ethical person etc. During the meeting I felt myself a really great personality which hitherto I had not known! While concluding the farewell they presented a gift which later turned out to be wrist watch. Now having retired Yours Truly had to pay lesser attention to time & they presented me a wrist watch!

Well now after a year of retirement may I try to define Retirement? It’s something like this: When living is easy & leisurely and the payments are hard - you have retired! May be you will improve upon this definition when you retire.

After retiring from service all the faculties of Yours Truly are working. This is amply proved by the fact that on tooth brush only dental cream has been used and not shaving cream!

Following dialogue makes the matter of retirement more clear:

-Dadaji how many days are there in a week?

-Betaji 6 Saturdays & 1 Sunday. 

Monday, 4 February 2013

An Officer of the Bank

Our boss was very methodical – in dressing, in writing notes, in passing orders. He had a way of life where discipline, method, manners ruled & where irregularities & diversions were hated & frowned upon.

Always neatly dressed, with boots shining, wearing classy neckties he kept red & blue pens in pocket. Fellow had joined the bank as Management Trainee & had come up with a bit of luck & hard work to head Shares & Stock Deptt. This is supposed to be profit making centre of the bank & always under the eyes of GM, ED & MD.

For last two years he had been heading this Deptt & had come closer to the powers that be. He made profits in practically all share & stock deals. Losses in his deals were rare. He had very good liaison with top brass. Needless to say his next promotion was assured. During last two years Deptt had been making profits to the satisfaction of top brass & face of our boss gleamed when he talked about how his work was being appreciated by GM, ED & MD.




He often narrated his success stories to his family & they were a happy lot. However, he was always told that he was workaholic, overworked etc but he would laugh it off. During the last two years he had grown a bit thinner. His lenses had become a bit thicker due to constant peering into monitors giving share market rates & news.

On 11 May 98, as a matter of daily ritual, he was provided with Funds Position of the bank for that day. Share market was up & right for making profits. He made up his mind for purchase of shares of some companies for Long Term, some for Short Term & kept part of funds for noon session. He had a talk with bosses on the deals & was okayed.

At about noon share market nose dived. Boss looked perplexed, hurriedly looked into spread of monitors. Now this one, now that one. Breaking news – ‘India Tests bomb in Pokharan’! ‘US puts sanctions’! Panic stricken market crashes. Boss closed his eyes slumped into the chair & started mumbling ‘all deals lost! Loss, loss, loss’! ‘Every deal lost’!

As the news spread, office atmosphere became charged with exhilaration & fervour for the country. Proud Indian faces, delighted, started congratulating each other. Somebody started distributing ladoos & muted slogans of Bharat Mata ki jai were also heard.

Boss took out the deal sheets fumbling & trembling. Looking to the figures of the day he started nervously calculating loss on each deal. He stood up with papers in his shaking hands then slithered back into his chair murmuring ‘loss, loss, loss’.

Nobody paid any attention to him.

He slowly got up from the chair, sent the deal sheets to GM. He felt weak & dizzy. Called for driver & left office with a message that he was not well. He reached home feeling low & dejected. Requested for a cup of tea & just fell into the chair murmuring ‘losses’. As the tea was about to be served, he closed his eyes & died.


                                                                                                                                    jogharshwardhan@gmail.com
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

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