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Saturday, 30 March 2013

Managers' Meeting

Our new Zonal Manager or ZM is short, pot bellied but handsome. He has a few strands of hair left on his bald head & that’s the reason of his being nicknamed The Baldy.  He is new to our zone & hence introductory meeting was fixed for all officials on Monday.

As you are also aware most of the meetings are one-way traffic – executive barks about programmes, schemes, marketing strategies, targets etc & you listen to him  without raising questions, doubts about strategy, shortage of staff or infrastructure. You listen faithfully to the speaker, keep your diary page open & write a few key words or keep doodling. When he glances towards you, force a smile & nod as if you have understood the best speaker in the world. As soon as the glance goes away to another chap slowly exhale & come back to normal self. Here Pranayam is of great help to you.

The Baldy was generous with budget of the meeting. So you can have high-tea twice during the day, expensive stationery items & sumptuous  lunch with beer & butter chicken included. Public sector rules don’t permit drinks & hence liquor is treated as off-balance-sheet item. Do enjoy this beer festival even if you are not enjoying the meeting.

In such meetings there is ever smiling Mr Santa Singh, the second man to assist ZM, The Baldy. His duty is to help jack-up the image of every Saab as having done such & such fantastic achievements that everyone present in the meeting must be awestruck & emulate. Mr Singh has the knack of chamchagiri which has prevented his transfers for years.
Some excerpts from the meeting:

Assistants
(1) -Sir on behalf of all participants I welcome you to Delhi Zone. Sir we have heard lot of success stories from your previous posting at Jhumri Taliyya, Thailand.
-Wot Mr Santa Singh? It is In India.

(2) -When I was posted in Jhumri Talaiyya I increased the business by 45%. Your figures are too low here–shocking to me in fact. You have to go for 45%.
-Sir competition is very hot here.
-Wot? Better pack up your luggage. You may be cooling your heels in  the hills.
               
(3) -When I was posted at Jhumri Taliyya they said there is no scope to increase the business. I increased by 45%.
-Sir there is lot of scope here. All we need is a few more hands Sir.
-Wot? One needs only two hands, better pack up your luggage.
  
 (4) -When I was at Jhumri Taliyya I did door to door canvassing. You see business increased by 45%.
-Sir size & number of doors is very large here.
-Wot? Another lame excuse, better pack up your luggage.

(5) -When I was at Jhumri Taliya I ensured punctuality very strictly. I wish to continue the same here.
-Sir what about punctuality in the evening time? Can we leave at 8 pm  sir?
-You don’t want to work – do you? Better pack up your luggage.

 (6) -Now tell me wot is a customer?
-A customer is a king Sir.
-A customer is queen sir just like Maya, Mamta or Sonia.
-Saab customer is our maai baap just like you sir!
–Shaab cushtomer is one who gives us cusht!
-Haa! Mr Ganguly all your ‘cusht’ will be gone. Better pack up your luggage.

(7) –Everyone has to achieve the target at any cost.
-Sir your wish is our command.
-Yessir!
-Bilkul Sir!
- Sir your word is word of God.
-I am not God Santa Singhji.
-But now we have become your pukke bhakt sir. Tussi kirpa rakhna. We are so impressed with business growth at Jhumri Taliyya sir!

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