Saturday, 24 November 2012

Ufff These Branch Auditors!

Come 1st of April we begin new financial year with Auditor’s Day. Now in this very large branch we have battery of auditors visiting all through the year. Here is the incomplete list:- Statutory Branch Auditor, Internal Auditor, Annual Auditor, Concurrent Auditor, Stock Auditor, Snap Auditor, Credit Auditor.....

Like a friend said that 2/3rd of earth is under water & 1/3rd under audit!

And their list of reports is longer than the above one:- Branch Audit Report, Monthly Report, Qly Report, Half-yearly Report, Annual Report, Credit Report, Stock Audit Report, Tax Audit Report....

As you know this is because auditors have a slogan: ‘In god we trust, rest all we Audit’. Our management also sides with auditors & says: ‘In god & auditor we trust all other officials are suspect & need to get audited’. They think that perhaps without auditors the branch, the bank, the country & the world may go off the track & collapse.

You see our Zonal Manager the Baldy, is lion hearted when it comes to auditors. He calls up meeting to emphasise upon the importance of  audit, proper care of the auditor, timely completion of the audit & keeping all previous audit reports ready. Now every auditor is also very fond of previous auditor & previous audit report of previous auditor. Great emphasis is placed on previous audit. In general following introductory dialogue takes place with the auditor:

Branch Manager- Sir which hotel have you checked in?
Auditor- Taj. What was the position in previous audit?
Branch Manager- Would you like to visit the any unit financed Sir?
Auditor- Unit? What was the position in previous audit?
Branch Manager-Sir Tea or Coffee?
Auditor- What was the position in previous audit?

A bit exaggerated you may say but you get the idea. In nut shell auditors are VIP people & we are mango ppl.

Audit must proceed in a time-bound manner but if auditor is not interested to do so, you are to be blamed. So be careful. In previous audit the audit team comprised of two people- husband & wife. Those two wanted to visit Mussoorie & were in a hurry. I tell you the audit was finished even before it started.

Found by the Auditor!
Then there was an old fussy character of an auditor wanting booze & car & kept roaming about the city. He did finish the audit by copying the previous audit report.

Another auditor last year lingered on & on trying to find faults, to detect shortcomings with a magnifying glass left abruptly & then his audit report was received in mail – all ok.

To my mind auditors are more of liabilities than assets & can be termed as occupational hazards. Their prescription at times upsets your BP & they leave no medical advice. So my banker friends tackle them tactfully & keep them in good humour.

You see if your beard is on fire don’t ask for a matchstick for lighting bidi!


Thursday, 22 November 2012

Average of 800 cc & 3800 cc

As per news item in ET, Porsche sold a record 117 cars in India in the month of Oct. Now as the records go this one seems pretty ordinary to me. This figure of 117 is achieved by any maruti dealer of New Delhi any day.

But wait - there is a price tag- Carrera Coupe is priced at Rs 1.14cr, Carrera S Coupe is priced at Rs 1.33cr & another new model Boxter S is priced at Rs 0.82cr ex-showroom New Delhi.

Now have a look at the value of my 4-wheel possession- all of 0.01cr never mind the depreciation! So in place of a single Porsche, 30-40 numbers of 800cc's can be had. How’s that?  

My 800cc can carry 5 healthy adults with 2 smiling kids & assorted luggage. FM radio keeps all passengers in mood & with little a/c it is paisa vasool. Everyone sitting by the window is ready to help driver while backing, turning, parking & even jumping the red light- ‘le lo le lo, police wala nai hai!’ They are ready to fight it out in case of need with any tom, dick or harry. Kids keep you posted with description of passing trees, monuments, shops, trucks or simply keep shouting ‘aur tez, aur tez!’ That gives you warm homely feeling-no? Compare this with Porsche zipping furiously without roof on your head– no way.

You can have a few slogans on the back wind screen of 800cc as well. Like if your kids have nick names Santa & Banta then you can very well paint ‘Santa te Banta di gaddi’. Perfect. You may also write ‘God Gift’ if you so wish. Now this facility is not available in Porsche Coupe as there is no wind screen on the back! What a pity no space for writing slogans!

Now there are 3 cylinders in my vehicle but Porsche boasts of 6. What is the use as there is no corresponding increase in seats? It has 3800cc as compared to 800cc this side. What is the use as there is no corresponding increase in seats?

Porsche boasts of acceleration from 0 to 100 kilometres per hour speed in 4.3 seconds. Of what use is this in Tilak Nagar, Janak Puri & Jagriti Vihar or even in New Delhi? That’s not the way to drive in any case. You start the vehicle & wave to your Begum, to kids & grand children then engage the gear. On your way you may like to nod or waive to friends, or use mobile or enjoy a scene or two. Once in a while you may give lift to the lady standing on the bus stand. But if you whoosh past there is nothing to see only black road ahead.

Parking of 800cc takes seconds & such a tiny space. In fact you can bring it in the drawing room! Not so with 3800cc you got to create space for it.

But all comparisons fail when you ask: ‘Average kya deti hai?’

Keep Driving!


Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Out of Communication

Communicating with God

The I&B Ministry is considering steps to make India a major centre for digital communication. –Eco Times.

In good old days drums, bells, trumpets etc were the means of communications. Times have ch
anged & new gizmos have been appearing every other day.

Communications are important in all walks of life. Between individuals, between leaders & public, even in between relatives - be it in-laws or out-laws, between Chairman of the promotion committee & the candidate. For example take the following dialogue-

Chairman: How far you are loyal & accountable to the Bank?
Yours Truly: 100% Sir
Chairman: How do you say that?
Yours Truly: In all the letters issued to me so far, I have been held fully accountable!

Mark my words candidates - you need to carefully weigh the words. Not communicating properly means trouble.

Sonia talked to ManMohan in proper words. ManMohan could not communicate in proper words to Mamata & the result was disaster! Very foundation of coalition was shaken!

Our Zonal Manager The Baldy has excellent communication skills which are evident in our meetings. He always says that listening to him while keeping quiet is good communication. No dialogue is needed. Only one way communication.

Now spoken communication is two-way street- Listening & Speaking. My better-half occupies one-way street of speaking & Yours Truly is always on other street of listening. Underneath this policy lies a small story. Once she asked me to bring 1000 gms of onions & 100 gms of garlic while coming back from office. And while coming back from office I deliberated on the order, weighed the options, got confused on the communication & inadvertently brought home 100 gms of onions & 1000 gms of garlic. Well you are right as since then I travel on Listening Street!

Forget all this. Let’s sit down & have cordial communication over cool glass of beer!

Baabe di full kirpa

'British diplomats in India are learning Hindi to develop a deeper understanding of the country and to identify business opportunities for British firms – BBC news item'.

Firangis have completed full circle. They were looking for business opportunities without learning Hindi 150 years ago & coming again this time equipped with Hindi to identify business opportunities!

Last time they were keen that every Hindustani learnt English & left without learning Hindi. And now?

It’s business stupid!

I gather from internet that there are 6912 ‘main’ languages in the world. Hindi is spoken by 4.46% of world population i.e. by approx 300 million people & by number ranks 5th in the world. And in India there are 22 official languages. As per one estimate there are 398 living languages & nearly 2000 dialects in India.

For deeper understanding of any country learning their language is a good tool. Now any language has alphabet, grammar & phonetics or spoken words. As regards alphabet English & Hindi have similar styles as both are not pictorial like Mandarin. But a few differences are there – Hindi ‘ta’ as in Tandoor or ‘tu’, Hindi ‘da’ sound as in ‘Dada’, Hindi da as in ‘Vada’ or in ‘chidia’ are missing in English. Nasal sound as in ‘kyon’ or ‘Doston mein’ is missing in English, Pnwaar becomes Panwar, Kunwar becomes Kan wara etc.

Another peculiarity a Firangi must understand about Hindi is dual words spoken frequently such as Khana-vana, Chota-mota, Aana-jaana, Dekha-bhala, Davaa-daaru or even English-vinglish!

He may learn good, grammatically correct, bookish Hindi in Goraland & land up in Delhi having following dialogue. It is doubtful if he would understand the reply in FULL:

Firangi: Aapkaa kiyaa haal haaii?

Yours Truly: Baabe di full kirpa jee!

Monday, 19 November 2012

After Office Hours

Big Boss!

Clean Table

Night Out!

I thought branch work is unending. Yes it is. I thought Boss’s orders are unending. Yes they are. I thought wife has her own way. Yes she has.

After the staff leaves at 5 pm you feel a bit relaxed. Have a look around in the nearly empty office – Boss-1, Manager-1, Officers-2 & generator wala-1. For a moment mind goes blank & you close your eyes & take a deep breath.  At first start looking at pending work then at Boss sitting in the cabin. Hmm, he has taken out his cigarette & seems to be in a good mood. Must have had a beer or something -stupid fella. Nevertheless Yours Truly suggested to him:
-Sir, Samosa with tea?
-Not for me, you people go ahead.
 So, I thought, we could close shop by 6. But no. Boss barks:
-You better see that this statement is sent to HO, loan file of Gupta is completed, a note on Visit Report is prepared, letter on Income & Expenditure is faxed and Audit observations of last month are attended to. Call me before closing. Bye!
-Bye Sir! (Yours Truly tried to say –stupid- but voice did not come out ). 
All present are summoned, offered Samosa & shown the list of work to be completed. Their reactions turn the taste of Samosa into that of Karela.  Officer Taneja-Sir how long it will continue like this? Officer Baweja-Sir I wait & wait & wait for Sunday as if waiting for a new girl friend.    
-Common you are Officers of such a big organisation with a long carrier ahead of you. Maybe you shall be GM / ED/ CMD one day & then change the working style & late sitting. So let us finish it & quit by 8.15 so as to reach home early today!
Part work done Yours Truly called home:
-By 8.30
-Early today?
-Boss has disappeared after handing over a list which will take a week to comply -stupid. So coming by 8.30. What’s for dinner?
-No subzi at home. Bring Karela, onions, a bit of ginger & garlic & coriander leaves & of course don’t forget tomatoes. Or better bring  ½ butter chicken if you like.
-Abe yaar it is Tuesday! Ok Bye! (Yours Truly tried to say –stupid- but voice did not come out).
Such is the fate of a man!
Do patan ke beech me sabut bacha no koye!

What is in a name?

Name the tower in New Delhi
Foundation of ‘New’ Delhi was laid down a century back and yet it remains ‘New’ to this day. And within New Delhi we have interesting names of shops, roads, buildings etc. Take for example Tilak Nagar area predominantly occupied by Punjabis who migrated during partition. We have a popular milk vendor ‘Lahore Dairy’. Obviously must have come from Lahore where also he might be selling milk & paneer.

So is Des Raj who runs a shop ‘Pishori Tailor’. Hailing from Peshawar & specialising in Pathani suits. He is grand old man now & has been in touch with his friends in Peshawar. He says that similar names are being used by his friends there – ‘Dilli Tailor’, ‘Lakhnavi Kebabs’ etc. 

Then we have ‘Pind Baluchi’ restaurant whose owner hails from a village in Baluchistan. There is a ‘Frontier Bakery” of a family from frontier near Afghan border & a popular eatery ‘Pindi Chhole Bhature’ hints to Rawal Pindi. They also serve a sweet dish ‘Karachi’ Halwa.

Certain house building societies (HBS) of Delhi have odd names origin of which is based on places in Pakistan – Mianwali Coop HBS, Bahawalpur Coop HBS, Bhera Enclave. Near Bhera Enclave there is a bunch of flats named Nagin Lake Apparments! Neither there is a lake nor Nagin!

In western Delhi there is Najaf Garh & Bahadar Garh(in Haryana). Story goes that Najaf Khan & Bahadar Khan were brothers & Subedars in attendance of Bahadur Shah Zafar, the last mogul king, who rewarded them with land around these two villages. These villages have grown into tehsils now bearing names of Najaf Garh & Bahadar Garh.

After coming of Metro, Delhi is dotted with ugly pillars. Interestingly the  shop keepers are using such pillars in their ads & visiting cards - ‘Opp. Metro Pillar No. 420’! Metro disappointed while naming certain stations as ‘East’ ‘West’ like in Janakpuri East & Janakpuri West. There was no dearth of names but Metro didn’t bother. Entire list of names of Nehru / Gandhi family are available for christening pillars, stations, buildings, airports, canals etc.

Then there are Gates in Delhi, beginning with landmark India Gate. There is Ajmeri Gate, Lahori Gate, Mori Gate, Kashmiri Gate & even Dilli Gate!

There are some exotic names which you may not find elsewhere in India such as Karkardooma, Patpar Ganj, Gali Paranthe Wali etc. Adchini is in south Delhi & has nothing to do with chini the sugar or chini the Chinese. The name Shalimar Bagh is an improved version of Saalamar Bagh where Saala (brother in law) of a local nawab was got murdered (by the nawab) in that Bagh!

This couplet is already circulating in fb & narrates similar views:

यह कैसी है दिल्ली भाई।
हमको कुछ समझ आई।।
पहाड़गंज में 'पहाड़' नहीं
दरियागंज में 'दरिया' नहीं।।
चाँदनी चौक में कहाँ चाँदनी?
और धौला कुआँ में 'कुआँ' नहीं।।
नई सड़क पुरानी दिल्ली में।
और किला पुराना नई दिल्ली में।।

Chopper Ride To Kedar Nath, Garhwal Himalayas

Kedar Nath Temple is located in the Himalayas approx 12000ft  above sea level near the head of river Mandakini and is flanked by breathtaking snow-capped peaks.

Kedar Nath or Kedar Khand is named in honour of King Kedar, who ruled the area in  the Mahabharata Era when the Pandavas  are supposed to have pleased Lord Shiva by doing penance there.

The temple opens on Akshay Tritiya (April / May) and closes on Bhai Duj (October / November) due to heavy snowfall and extreme cold weather during winter.

The head priest (Rawal) of the Kedarnath temple belongs to the Veerashaiva community from Karnataka. However, unlike in Badrinath temple, the Rawal of Kedarnath temple does not perform the puja. The pujas are carried out by Rawal's assistants on his instructions. The Rawal moves along with the deity to Ukhimath during the winter season.

Kedarnath can be reached from Hardwar-Rishikesh-Rudraprayag -Guptkashi–Gaurikund & thereafter a tough & steep trek of approx 14 kms. Helicopter services are available from Guptkashi. 

On this route there are several places of pilgrimage such as Agastyamuni, Ukhimath, Phauli- Pasalat Devi Maa, Bamsu (Lamgoundi) Vanasur, Maa Kali at Kalimath, Trijugi Narayan- where Lord Shiva got married to Parwati,  and Kashi Vishwanath at Guptakashi.